letters I’ve written to gods at 2:54 AM

now that I’ve pulled off my mask

I can finally breathe again

pills, drink cans with my journal

I can rant to gods of my genre about the day

I’ll shed alter ego skin onto the deepest shelf

might as well bleed through my eyes

burn me up, leaving traces of mine

or might cut feeling thread connecting the body and the mind

but as my nose bleeds blood and my mind gets high on drugs

I’ll figure out tactics to make people happy that may stab

but I’ll take birth tomorrow again to show them how to live

take out my alter ego skin from the closet and rock that still

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misapprehensions.

of the instance, I woke up from my hibernation

that nuisance abyss caused me entire sanity

with a toddler like nonsense issues leftovers in my mind

Did I forget how to communicate?

 

power of cosmos seemed to be cut out as I closed my eyes

fondle or hit but make my nerves to make me feel alive

my memory glass breaks every day; vision gets obscure

& quest to know who I am today never end?

 

I forgot how to communicate;

prize out words out of me, tell me who I’m

for the type of person I’m becoming, it haunts me every night

look me in the eyes, poise me with euphoric possessions

assorted wills.

stretched psyche reside in me

like two souls keep on colliding within

one is hippie wanderer grounded and carefree

other is corporate buff hypebeast kinda sellout

 

one wants me to cruise on my own, far so far

other one drags me on a highway of hustle to fulfill the tasks

tasks that never ends

between these two, I forgot who I was

 

what makes one happy, makes another cry

lobes of my brains are stretched up but hopes are high

like a single father I nourish both these children of the mind

starving and suffocating the life which meant to be mine

some days.

on some days I don’t want to escape my bed

just to stare onto the ceiling wondering if

it falls onto me and there’s no tomorrow

whilst my tears falls continuously onto my bed-sheet

 

on some days I shout in pain and cries in lies

cries that everyone hears and no one understands

and by so I die just a little every day

while my heart questions; what if I die tomorrow?

 

on some days I wanna die

die so young and left all this behind

this monotonous wrecked up customs;

running after mirages of the cinematic worlds

technologically tired.

selling ourselves to click baits costing us our self-esteem

like price-tags we became a mere entity of numbers

making sense out of showing off, burying down the generosity

digitally dying slowly, slowly dying digitally

 

sometimes it gets over my head

tryst went cybernated and it is excruciating

living in a constant state of fear of missing out

what I’ve to do get rid of this obscenity?

 

sometimes it feels like that this technology will drain me

like a disease, it can’t get off me

lust of dopamine traps never seems to cease

pills lookalike radiations always mess up my mind

infatuations.

not looking for love in these cold streets

intoxicated conscious and elevating senses

falsifying confidence, choking self-esteem

then we blame our heart for the wrongs

 

finding solace in sad songs, swallowing tears

with the weight of the world on the head don’t blame

whilst ignoring lovers yet getting bullied by cowards

is that the way we prioritize our choices?

 

all of the skies are singing our melancholy: blue;

wounds are left open so stop, sit and breathe

pressure on the head is high and so the heart is heavy

running out of parts of speeches to describe the love needed

therapy.

emptying the suffering on the paper

wrenching censorship and pulling out my reticence

erupting insecurities, rupturing soul under the sunken bones

breathing toxin, exhaling incense

 

degrading, decaying and dislocating psyche

all this to percolate the infected nostalgic chronicles

chronicles that take me back to the merry days

but now refrains me to hate them even more

 

so why should I waste my words now

when it’s the only belonging I got

holding, knitting and bringing them to life

like fresh air to breathe it’s a therapy that works for me

maturity.

born out innocent, turned into a narcissist

plucked the flower written love on it

thorns carved the scars out of my heart

recovery tattooed on my brain since then

 

lips stitched with trauma yet blabbering

moving with bones and wearing skin on it

mustering my heart, fueling my brain

can’t quit too soon, maturity couldn’t let me be

 

now as the years will go on

I’ll not seek anyone to paint my canvas like mind

blue my mind, green my heart, black my soul

heal it, immerse in it, diffuse saneness in my blood

modernity.

pretending so hard

we’re not what we used to be

trying to fit amongst them just for identity

modernity has ruined the person out of us

 

seeking love in the eyes of a stranger

lusting through the lover’s eyes

lonely conscious with friends in a place aside

then we go home and cry all night

 

maturity seized the sense out of us

then we curse growing up

pleasing the pleasers, deteriorating conscience

unethical experimenting yet blaming the science

Random Diary Page of Teenager #5

we grow out to become more realistic with age than we ever were, over time we realize that it’s not necessary that every day you have to bloom up to the stars and it’s definitely okay to shed tears at midnight’s to let things out.

“you can cry your heart loud”

reacting to obnoxious bodies.

yell the heckin’ loud and let your friends be bitchin’ about that.

it’s okay if someone refers to you as a weirdo or somewhat make the comment regarding your behavior and body.

who are they?

conclusionary affirmation.

listen up, they are just in their comfort zone making people nervous and seeking happiness out of it which is no good to them in the longer run.

“don’t think about them”

suffering from “being nice” disease.
there will be days when you were lying on the bed and worrying about trying to make everyone around you happy and cursing yourselves about your failed attempt to do so.

it is necessary to know that to whom you’re giving your efforts and energy to, are these people even worthy of all these or just these are traitors that will stab you in the back in the future.

“take it easy” approach.
introspect yourselves but don’t self-destruct, don’t get consumed in making those people happy who have no value of you.

understand your worth, they don’t matter to your lives!